samyoAbout who? This is always the existential question … “About What”  is easy to answer … The “What”  is quantifiable whereas the “Who” is never so … The “Who” is moment to moment … so unless you are ready to open the door to the depths of the rabbit hole .. then stay with the “What” because the “Who” will take you places you have never dreamed of.

After that bit of fun I better write about this form / body and what it is about …..

Essentially as an expression of existence, I grew up in a very standard middle class Australian family, all quite “normal” until 1995 when I suffered my first panic attack.

At that time this body had seen 32 summers, it was still immortal and I had no clue as to what was going on.

I awoke at 3am with crushing chest pain, blue lips, a pulse rate over 200 and blood pressure numbers to match. I remember thinking I was to young to be having a heart attack, so as calmly as I could I asked my then wife to drive me to the hospital.

The drive I remember with amazing clarity, I remember the bend in the road where I went from feeling everything in my body, to feeling nothing. I thought my heart had stopped and I was just waiting to fall over dead, I at least had the presence of mind to ask my wife to drive a little faster.

Well clearly I, or at least the body, did not die. Sensation returned as I was pulling up to the hospital door and after being hooked up to a myriad of machines with the doctors crunching the numbers, I was advised that I was not having a heart attack it was just a panic attack.

“A what…..?”

Whatever it was it was not fun. I remember going home few hours later after the Valium had kicked in and sitting in my lounge room completely shaken. Whatever illusion  I had possessed up until that time about life was shattered and whilst I did not know it at the time an odyssey had begun.

I spent the next 3 years living as though I had just stepped in front of a bus. The adrenaline overload very quickly led to chronic fatigue and depression. A myriad of tests and doctors visits left me none the wiser. The drugs did nothing significant, they just took a slight edge off the anxiety but turned me into a grey person,  a living Zombie. I seriously did not like how that felt!

After a little over 3 weeks on the pills I threw them in the bin at work … stupid move. The GP that had prescribed the pills had failed to mention their addictive nature and that afternoon was truly a living nightmare.

I remember sitting on Central train station going home from work, there were a thousand banshees screaming in my head. Being in the crowd was a nightmare and the persistent thought to throw myself under an oncoming train was all pervasive. (I had even positioned myself at the near end of the platform so they would still have enough speed not to be able to brake in time).

There were only two thoughts that stopped me, the thought of my daughter and how much she loved me (and I her) and the awareness that my dad worked in the railway and every day he would see the train that I had killed myself with. (He had told me lots of stories of train suicides) Those two thoughts where the only conscious thing that stopped me. (though clearly there was something else at work)

That evening I went back to the GP and listened carefully as he explained that I could not just throw them in the bin that I would have to taper off slowly.

I was disgusted!

First and foremost as he had not mentioned this in the beginning and secondly, that in such a short time they could have had such a shocking effect. It took me 5 days to get off them and I vowed and declared that I would find a solution and I would never touch “white fella medicine” again.

For the next 4 years I studied everything I could get my hands on, I did a diploma in Chinese medicine, I took a 12 month NLP course, I discovered kinesiology and emotional clearing techniques, I found Freezone Scientology (much the same teachings just without the Dogma). My 2nd marriage ended and I found a new determination to be free of these mind made demons.

All of this time I thought I was looking for a cure for an illness a problem with the body, the illness was not in my body, in fact it was not even in my mind.

In August 11 1999 I met a lady that would change the course of my life forever, she caused me to question everything I had understood about life up until that point in time. Her presence  opened  the door to the most Arcane of teachings and the greatest work anyone can do whilst incarnate in a body, she held the space whilst I asked myself the most fundamental and most profound question anyone can ask themselves.

“Who am I”

January 4th 2000 I was in a retreat in Byron Bay Satori, this was the first retreat I has ever attended & had no real idea what to expect. The 1st night it happened pretty much as the Masters say, I did not know I was gone until I was back … and in that heartbeat the whole world had changed.

Through that process and in the intervening years I came to realize that I was never looking to cure my body, that was just the apparency, the circumstances that had pointed the direction, I did not need to cure my body, I needed to free my soul.

To free myself from the internal and external tyranny that we call the “Human Condition”, the false belief that we are limited and small and that we are here at the whim of some capricious deity. To free myself from the illusion of  an infants belief system, a system that no longer serves us as a humanity.

We are powerful beyond measure, both as individuals and as a collective and I truly believe that if enough people “Wake Up” and start living and speaking from the place of knowing who we are, that we could change this planet in a decade.

On one level it is not difficult on another level it is the hardest thing an “Ego” will ever do, but it is do-able.

We all have a choice, in fact very soon it will no longer be a choice.

As a humanity we must realize that we are not separate from the Planet, we are not separate from each other.  We all a role and a part to play in this evolution of humanity, and that any answer you are looking can be found in the simplest of questions.

“Who am I”.